Turn the ugly light off God.
by Eternalukyou
Summary: Shinji has a very special present for Gendou, but can he hold on to it long enough before he takes it for himself?


Turn the ugly light off, god!  
By: Eternal_Ukyou  
  
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Standard disclaimers apply  
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Shinji walked down the sidewalk, head down, eyes down cast in a most depressing manner. His bag swung from his right hand, his left hand shoved deep in his pants pocket. He ignored the world as it passed him by. The bum that begged for spare change, the school girl who was checking him out, the woman who looked an astonishing amount like his mother, he didn't care. There where a million things screaming through his scull. then he stopped, right in the middle of the side walk and stared up ward at the Ycama Street sanctuary. People flocked in and out of the big double doors, it was then he relaxed it was still Sunday. Shinji shrank away from the church, and in hopes of escaping it, he crossed the street where he seated him self on a bench to wait for a bus.   
  
  
  
Shinji couldn't think of anything but the coming night and the welcoming cold it brought. He had no intentions of returning home anytime soon, though he knew he would get it from Misato when he got back. For a long time he just sat there starring across the street at the church. Something about it mesmerized him, something baffled him.   
  
  
  
What did people see there? What was it that made they come back week after week? What was this 'God' person? He did not know how one could believe in something that they had never seen, yet he had stood face-to-face with what they called 'angels' and felt no heavenly power from them. Where angels not this 'God' person's messengers? Then did he sent a message of death to his people? Shinji did no want to worship he who was sending their end.  
  
  
  
He saw quite clearly what was going on, He knew. It was easier to believe in something, something that you could look to for help. Like an older sibling or a hero. They looked to a god like figure with no real name of his own. Why lie to yourself? To make yourself feel better? Do they think their not going to die with everyone else? Did they think it made them special to stand beneath a wooden cross and pray?   
  
  
  
Shinji shook his head. -I guess, if it makes you feel good, it can't be that bad. Live and lie and have faith in what comes after you leave this place, will it be pleasant? I would rather live with reality hissing in my face. I would rather feel the true pain of reality then live the fake happiness of a lie. Won't they be disappointed when it ends and there is nothing...-  
  
  
  
Again his gaze dropped on the gray sidewalk. How many people had walked over this exact spot? How many people cried here? How many people have died right here? What stories would those who passed have to tell? Shinji looked around at the other people who where waiting for the same bus as he. Where was he going now? Where would life finally take him? Or would it simply smother him till he left this place. Was he forced to be blinded forever? No... he had that choice. He could stand up and fight the hand that held him but... he would never win. It would be impossible to ever be free of this turn of fate.   
  
  
  
All around the lone boy people swirled, moving about, like Sakura petals in the spring time breeze, doing what they where there for. Where were they all going, Shinji wondered. Where were that groups of American girls going, as they roller bladed so swiftly down the crowded sidewalks laughing loudly and yelling cat calls at the passing girls in school uniforms. Where were the school girls they yelled at going as they walked so leisurely, showing off their newest neo prints? Then he wondered, where was he going? And did the world that passed him by wonder where he was going too? He thought for a moment, not just today, but in life, where was he going? If he lived to see an older age that is. Sure, he had hopes for the future but he kept wondering when would his present abruptly end?  
  
  
  
He though about that place he called home, Asuka and Misato. Would they stay in his life after all this was over or would they to abandon him? Was it truly just a matter of time before he was alone again. He had just begun to feel more or less secure in his house... yes, his house. He was finally getting used to have a place where he had a more or less permeate residence. But how permeate was it? Till he couldn't pilot EVA anymore? Till he left? It was the first time he had ever though about this... it pained him to know that he might have to be alone again.  
"Alone..."  
  
  
  
Shinji again looked at the church. Maybe people went there so they didn't feel so small, so lost. With hell at your door, you need something to look up to, he guessed. Maybe they went there because they believed in something bigger than themselves, was that what he need in his life? Would having a god make him feel less smell in this big world where he was alone? Or would he just be living another lie?  
  
  
  
Alone. Lie... he lived so many. He tired to convince himself he hated his father, hated Asuka, hated everyone, but it was hard. He was sad because he felt alone, but it was only self inflicted solitude.   
  
  
  
Why did he do it? Why did he force himself to be alone, if it was truly self inflicted? Maybe it was the attention. When you sit with you head in you hands people look at you with sympathy, their your friend when you sad. It's human nature to be curious, and some peoples curiosity is so strong they want to know, and when they know they want to help... was that why Shinji did it? If so... then why was it all he wanted to do was die?  
  
  
  
Die... it was something he had pondered before, what it would be like if he killed himself, who could cry? Misato maybe... would Asuka? Would Touji and Kensuke? Would his father even care?   
  
  
  
He then wondered whither his Father ever though about him. Did his father regret abounding him, or did he even care? Did Gendou ever wonder what it would be like if just once he acutely acted like a father to Shinji, did something nice for him? -Is that the reason I'm alive?- Shinji though to himself. -To see what my father will say? No! I live for myself... don't I?-  
  
  
  
"Move it jack ass!" Some kid shoved Shinji as he skateboarded by, a cigarette hanging out the side of his mouth. Shinji stumbled back a little, and lifted from the bench, deciding it was becoming to hazardous. He heard the child that sat next to him yell back at the boy.  
"Fuck you jerk off!" Shinji shook his head. That's what the skateboarder wanted, the boy on the bench just played his game. With a sigh Shinji perched himself on top of a cinder brick wall, just behind the row of benches.  
  
  
  
He watched the world, his though kept drifting back to the world around him, it made him wonder about life. Why people where what they where, and if he had thrown himself off the bridge last week, would it have effect any of these people? Would any of them even know?  
  
  
  
He looked into his backpack, a wad of cloth sat in the bottom of the bag, he reached in and pushed the cloth away. He griped the sleek metal barrel of the hand gun. Would anyone here notice if he took this right now and shot himself? Why not do it?   
  
  
  
The though of this mother...  
  
A tiny child in a loving mother's arms. A father who smiled slightly at the tiny boy, still baffled that this was partly his child. The mother laugh and made soft baby noises at the male child.   
"Isn't he beautiful?" she asked the man. He only nodded solemnly.  
  
  
  
He though of Asuka...  
  
Her rough hands and rougher word, they way she loved to hurt him. Why did she do it? Did it satisfy something inside of her? Did hurting him make her feel better? Yet... a day just wasn't a day until Asuka screamed 'EECHI!" a left a red hand print on Shinji's face. But... like his solitude where her actions a cover up for deeper emotions? Did she cry inside like he did? Where they really in the same boat, just unwilling to help one another?  
  
  
  
He though of Misato...  
  
Violet hair and glass bottles. She was the most promenade adult figure in his life, by why did he feel so little for her? Sure, maybe, there was a little lust in there, but wouldn't any teenage boy living with her. She was quite a hottie, but... not anything he wanted. He had always seen her as the adult he never wanted to be. She was unable to control her emotions, or her body. She tried to hide behind cans and bottles. She needed someone... more than Kaji, she needed someone who would love her and take care of her... that's all. Shinji didn't want to be like that, he didn't want to have to depend on people. Sure it's nice to have people around you but if you count on them being there and their not, you only get hurt. He hurt enough.  
  
  
  
Lastly he though of his Father...  
  
When would all this end, and when it did would Gendou send him away again? What would Shinji have to do to gain his fathers love? When would Gendou see?  
  
Never  
  
  
  
"Father..." Shinji dropped his head into his hand, so no one around him would see the tears that hung in his eyes. The bus came and went, and while Shinji sobbed a new set of people set down, and soon enough many began to stare at the sobbing boy. Shinji cast his eyes up at the church.   
  
  
  
-Whatever you are, go away- as he though, he wasn't sure if he was scolding their god or the plague of angels he had cast upon humanity. He wished he was died, then he would never have to feel this gut wrenching pain. - All I do is fight... I have no other purpose. I'm Asuka's scratching post, Misato's emotional dam, and, like the angels, a plague to my father. If this was my fate why was I born? Why do i have to live this.- He saw his face in the reflection on a dirty puddle beneath him  
  
  
  
-Why do I have to be Shinji Ikari...?- His thoughts jumped to that metal instrument laying in his bag, the instrument he had intended to use upon his father. He slipped his hand into his bag and grasp the cold steel. For a moment, he though about the right way to do it. Not in the head... he would never feel it. In the chest, in the lungs so he would drowned himself... so his last though of life would be only of the release... the final release of all this pain.   
  
  
  
-I know... all about it... but now I'm leaving...- He pulled the gun from the bag, no one seemed to notice at first, but when he put the end of the gun against his chest people began to take notice. -I'm so sick of this place-  
  
  
  
With one convolution of his young hand, he fell from the cinder block wall and lay on the dirty ground. He didn't feel the pain, just the relife, he just saw the blood pouring from his chest. He could feel it filling up his lungs. -Mother...- Like a hot summer breeze, a warmth enveloped him. Then he looked down and saw himself lying undignified on the sidewalk.   
  
  
  
Nothing mattered anymore... he was gone. Unplanned, and had done the one thing he had never had the courage to do. He left. He ran away... but... what was wrong with running away with reality if it sucked, isn't that what he had said?   
Shinji...  
Not really spoken words but a soft voice seemed to fill his ears. It was a voice he had though was long forgotten in his memory banks.  
Mother.  
  
  
  
It took three hours for the news to reach Misato. She was near hysteric when she got to the hospital. Two doctor stood talking in the hall way, not realizing Misato was standing there. the first spoke to the other with a heavy sigh.  
"Just another suicide..." 


End file.
